Where I Find Me

There's no lead in to this blog. Just the nightmares and flashbacks that are currently wreaking havoc on me. So, I'm just starting.

What makes recovery harder is that to get past the events that set my "needing" to use in motion I have to find something else to hold onto. We're supposed to stay in the moment. My moments are slow and tedious and brutal right now. One day at a time, we say. So, don't plan ahead? Don't look to your future? Don't set yourself up for something that may not be there when you get to the predetermined point at which you think it'll work. No future predictions, fear of feeling the 'now', leaves me digging into my past to hold on to something good. And there is plenty of that. But I'm really good at seeing the bad in the good I dug for. Mainly, that that past I'm clinging to is one that's been let go of by everyone else. Summers at the lake, nights laying awake discussing the absolute absurdities of the world with my brother, sitting in the tunnel below the train tracks because nothing breaks through the deafening racket, picturing a future that had none of the dark shit mine would end up having. One day at a time is daunting. I don't want one more day of this feeling, let alone a string of them. And, I set the arm of my favorite hoodie on fire trying to take the butter I was melting out of the oven because my microwave is a joke. Ugh. I know people have it worse than me. I get that. But this is MY reality and I'm struggling in it right now. All that said, I'm clean still. And I plan to stay that way for the next few.