All I've Got

I've spent the last several days at rock bottom. Clean, but still rock fucking bottom. My heart feels broken. My spirit feels broken. I paint but it is not enjoyment or passion or freedom I feel. I feel panic and regret and nothing all at the same time. I only dream in nightmares. The lighter, easier to recover from are about birds trapped inside house or me living somewhere where feces come through the cracks in the ceiling and the floor. The hard ones, the ones that keep knocking me backward in my recovery are about rape. During the day my mind allows me more and more memories of my own rape, as if it's doing me a favor. I snap at my girls. Get angry at the people who actually support me for no reason. I feel past the point of gratitude lists and working the steps and getting rest. I feel like I've crossed that line that is so hard to step back over. It isn't impossible but I don't feel like I have in me what it takes. I've disappointed countless people because I can't be the person they need me to be even though I have tried. I am human. I have finite resources and I've used too many on the wrong people so that I feel like if I just survive at this point, I'll have won somehow. I don't want my past demons to be part of making me who I am. And I don't want to try to explain to my perfect little girls why something that happened so long ago owns me still today. I want to smile and laugh and actually feel it, but I'm exhausted and I'm broken and I'm sorry instead.