Who I Am, Who I'm Becoming

I've never been good at saying "I was wrong". I've also never been good at recognizing my own fault in a situation immediately. I lead with my heart, not my head. For a long time I lived by the quote "never take hope away from anyone. It may be the only thing they have left". And here I sit so much of the time feeling hopeless. I leave therapy feeling deeper in the hole than I did when I got there.  I struggle in my confidence as a mom. But I see how amazing my girls are. I get hurt when the people I think should care don't and I miss it when the ones who do care are there. And, THAT is a big problem. The rest? Maybe they're character defects; I'll work on them over time. In this metamorphic time for me there's so much I'm learning and quitting and doing and trying and trying and trying. I'm a different person. I think that's hard for some of the people around me. And to be honest, that hurt a lot. When people would say things about me true or false, fair or not, it hurt. But I'm beginning to be bothered less as I understand that this new me is stronger and braver and not as fragile as she used to be. I don't want to follow anyone. I will take the steps I need to be well. The people who love me will support that and the rest will fall away but this time I won't fall with them. 

All I've Got

I've spent the last several days at rock bottom. Clean, but still rock fucking bottom. My heart feels broken. My spirit feels broken. I paint but it is not enjoyment or passion or freedom I feel. I feel panic and regret and nothing all at the same time. I only dream in nightmares. The lighter, easier to recover from are about birds trapped inside house or me living somewhere where feces come through the cracks in the ceiling and the floor. The hard ones, the ones that keep knocking me backward in my recovery are about rape. During the day my mind allows me more and more memories of my own rape, as if it's doing me a favor. I snap at my girls. Get angry at the people who actually support me for no reason. I feel past the point of gratitude lists and working the steps and getting rest. I feel like I've crossed that line that is so hard to step back over. It isn't impossible but I don't feel like I have in me what it takes. I've disappointed countless people because I can't be the person they need me to be even though I have tried. I am human. I have finite resources and I've used too many on the wrong people so that I feel like if I just survive at this point, I'll have won somehow. I don't want my past demons to be part of making me who I am. And I don't want to try to explain to my perfect little girls why something that happened so long ago owns me still today. I want to smile and laugh and actually feel it, but I'm exhausted and I'm broken and I'm sorry instead.

Thinkin' it through.

My therapist and psychiatrist both have urged me to use a list of pros and cons in an effort to feel my way through otherwise confusing situations. I used to approach life via that method regularly. In trying to clear up some of the confusion on my end, I've decided to try it again. That said, here is my pros and cons list for the zombie apocalypse.

Pros:

-we all find ourselves on equal footing. I don't care how beautiful you are or how much you make a year, you still taste like 'more' to a zombie.

-theft becomes AOK!

-I might get a new car. OR driving a 42 ton suburban becomes even more economical. (sarcasm...)

-I can finally stop mixing and matching the pieces of my wardrobe to find that perfect post apocalyptic outfit that will define me and my soon to be released action figure.

-get to ransack other people's houses for food, as opposed to morbid curiosity.

-pretty great weight loss program.

-GUNS

Cons:

-my house has a shit ton of windows. Great for viewing the apocalypse, not great for keeping out those pesky zombies able to maneuver their opposable thumbs around a large rock.

-cold showers, except at the sheriff's station where the pilot light is miraculously still lit.

-gonna be tough to find a good, rare prime rib with au jus. Unless I become a zombie.

-my dogs don't listen for shit. They will run straight toward a pack of zombies. Unless I'm one of them. Then they'll run away from the zombies. Away. Always away.

-TJ Maxx deliveries will probably be late.

-WholeFoods will meet their demise. I guess we were wrong about all those preservatives after all.

This is not an all inclusive list by any means, but something to kickstart your apocalypse prep all the same.

You're welcome.

New year, new me.

How cliché is it that I'm writing a New Years blog? It would probably be worse if I kept up with my blog regularly and this was just another one of the annoying reminders that people get wistful and nostalgic and begin full on prognosticating the many and varied changes they will greet head on in the new year. But, I don't keep up and I'm mostly unconcerned about the bars other people are setting for themselves this year. I have one bar. One resolution. One promise to myself and by extension, the people around me. I will be selfish. I will wake up in the morning and pray first for myself. I will live by the decisions I need to make for me. I will close my day with gratitude and more prayers to keep me on the straight and narrow. Because the only thing I really desperately want for this next year and those that follow is my sobriety. I want to stay clean. I know it's possible because I'm surrounded by support. I have my NA family now and, really, you couldn't ask for better people to lean on, to support, and to be supported by. This is a hard journey and sort of terrifying, but so worth it. Thank you to ALL of my family for encouraging and forgiving me, for loving me and calling me on my shit, for continuing to force on me my own worth. I love you all with all of my heart.