Action Jackson

Over the last week I've heard two words more than my own name over the course of my life. Those words are clarity and anonymity. Exactly a week ago I just hit a wall. The corner I'd painted myself into over time was small and tight and kind of dark. My brother spent an hour on the phone with me calming me down. I spent an hour on the phone with another friend while I mostly cried, and being the friend she is, she even cried with me a bit. I texted with a couple other friends, I was 'talked out'. One of those friends sent me in the direction of someone who would become a new, extremely valued  friend. Those two together, along with my brother and my friend saved my life. I've been aware of my proverbial corner getting tighter for some time. I came to the conclusion some time ago I was going to reach the point of no return without help. Wednesday was that day. So, when what you're doing no longer works, or maybe never did, you have a choice: continue on as is or make a change. If I chose to just keep my head down and plod on, it was going to end horribly. I see that. I was reluctant to see it at first, but because of the people above, my sisters (all of them), and a couple people who found themselves in similar corners before me but chose to change and did so amazingly well, I'm making a change. A terrifying, exciting change. I've opted to check into a substance abuse program. As with any other life-altering decision, there's paperwork. Pardon my French, but a shit ton of it. My physician wrote to my insurance company agreeing that treatment is the best option for me. Then I submitted to a four hour substance abuse evaluation which then based on my answers, assigns me a numerical score. Low scores would mean seeing a therapist once a week for example. As the score ascends, so does the degree of treatment. I scored on the high end of residential treatment. Yup. Living there. This all sounds like I've got heroin crumbles in the bottom of my purse, but no. They're Goldfish. What pushed me over the line were a variety of life experiences only I could have prevented; and some simply couldn't have been. The one I will disclose briefly because of the stigma and because I am not ashamed and because I know it's happened to others who still haven't said anything and because I will take that shot in the dark I could help someone. This is the same angle I crept out on with anorexia and the sheer number of private messages I got from people thanking me for making them feel maybe just a little more normal was more than reaffirming. I was raped when I was 18.  I don't think additional details are necessary. I will say this, I kept this to myself for 18 years. Keeping it secret, not saying the words out loud, wishing it away; none of this helped. I wonder sometimes how my life would be different if I'd said something when it happened. It doesn't matter, but I do wonder. I don't know yet exactly where I'm headed or when, we just finished jumping through all the hoops. But, I'll let you know when I know. Jeff is strong, but my girls, amazing as they are, are going to struggle with this. Please keep my whole family in your thoughts and prayers. I know what I'm capable of right now, I hope to be even more capable. Also, it sure wouldn't hurt to like myself a little more. Regardless, in the end, I plan on kicking some serious ass. Thanks all.