Reality Check

I've been on narcotics for three years solid, and God really only knows how long of a total run I've had.  I struggle with addictions for sure; anorexia, OCD, and now narcotics? Maybe? I don't know. I've stopped taking Valium (for muscle spasms in my back post surgery) and I've cut out oxycodone. That one is huge. Once upon a time, I was taking them 4 or 5 at a time, not for pain but for fun. It felt like I was crawling the walls, but I was warm and happy. I would turn on a CD and stay up all hours. The next day I'd go to work and do the same thing there. No idea how I was conscious. But when people started bringing me work to fix that I had no recollection of doing or signing off on, I kind of knew there was a problem. The funny thing is, I was seeing a therapist at the time. She saved my life. Actually saved my life. She diagnosed me as having PTSD, a dissociative personality disorder, and a suicidal psychosis. Fun, right? I think I overwhelmed her. But, she saved me. She did, along with a psychologist, a dietician, and a physician. But, I never said a word about the narcotics because they were the only thing pushing me through. And, they were so easy to get. It would amaze you. Anyway,  for some reason still kind of unknown to me, I decided to stop loading up on narcotics for a good time. I cut back, I didn't quit. So fast forward however many years later we are, and I'm sitting with feelings I don't like. My therapist tried to teach me that. I had to relearn what I was feeling. I stopped feeling anything at all. It was easier just to be still inside and without narcotics that was impossible. I'm on the verge now of being drug free. My second back surgery over, the pain lessening, I'm on the least amount of narcotics I have ever been. Ever. It feels good. But I know I have to feel and that scares me sometimes. It's so easy to pick up everyone around you when you have that warm feeling washing over your body. But, when that warm feeling goes away, not cool. I was really struggling the other day; just having a hell of a day and my sister told me something that still, as I sit here, makes my throat tight and my head spin, because I didn't ask, and she couldn't possibly know, but this was something I needed to hear more than anything. My maternal grandpa was my best friend when he died. He told me old, out of date stories that always made sense and brought connection to whatever I was feeling just then. He was amazing. When we knew he was dying, my cousin and I drove to him to say good bye. Our moms warned us, they said grandpa was just done. He was sad and tired. He just stared out his window, no acknowledgment of anyone's presence. We took turns, my cousin and I. First he talked to grandpa and I sat with our grandma who had long since disappeared due to Alzheimer's. Before we walked into their room, we made a promise to each other, my cousin and I. We would not cry. We wouldn't put that on grandpa. We switched. Michael sat with grandma and I took my seat next to grandpa. I took his hand in mine and immediately dissolved into tears. I apologized. I told him I hadn't wanted to cry, that I didn't want that to be how we last spoke. He actually looked at me. He squeezed my hand tight and said "little girl, you have been the light of my life but now you have to let me go". So, there it was. In the moment I lost my best friend, I found out that I was important to someone amazing. So, the other day I was melting down. I talked to my sister and when we were winding down she said to me "You are a light, don't forget that. People are drawn to you because you are a light". I still can't read it without crying. So, I'm going to try to be this so called light that isn't dimmed by drugs. Still, if I end up in treatment, feel free to drop me a line!!