Change

Today Sophia graduated from preschool. She is now officially a kindergartner. Ava will be a third grader. And I am officially at a loss. I have one last summer to pretend (with myself) that I stay home during the day with my kids. Next fall my house is going to feel quieter, larger, and more lonely than ever before. I made the decision to be a stay at home mom after Ava was born. It was exactly one week before I was due back to my pre-mom career that I had an epiphany. I couldn't do it. I sat on the couch and cried while holding this perfect tiny human. And in that moment, Jeff and I both realized there was possibility where we had assumed would be none. Jeff is an amazing man who has always dedicated himself to giving all he can to his family while making sure to not trade time with him for whatever other 'goods' we thought we needed. So, with his dedication to his work and his keen financial decision-making, and my complete lack of needing to be a woman in the workforce proving we (as women) can do it (cause I think we kind of already proved that), I became a stay at home mom. I've never felt I had to prove anything to anyone in the world of careers. And maybe that's because I have friends who have blazed that trail already. I have friends who have become doctors, engineers, pastors, lawyers, sales gurus, and project managers that would leave any man shaking in his boots. They are brilliant, kind, funny, and beautiful. They are also in possession of drive I left on the high school soccer field. In sports I'm competitive. On E-bay I'm competitive. In motherhood, I'm not competitive. I can't be. I know both of my girls have baby books, but I only know where one is and I'm not sure which of the girls it belongs to. I kept a journal of Ava's every waking and sleeping minute until she was about 4 months old. I took a billion photos and wrote down the adorable things that were said and done. But, I hit a point where I was missing everything because I was trying to document it all. And I've learned that for me it isn't necessarily worth it. I want to be IN the moment with my girls. I don't want to write it down and remember years later only the words on the paper. I want to remember the moment because I was part of it. I will never be that mom that has everything organized even with only two kids. I never have a dinner plan until its 6:30 and I realize I have no dinner plan. I lose things and find them when I no longer need them. My girls go to sleep later than they should and they eat too much sugar for breakfast. My laundry piles up until finding clean towels becomes a competitive event of sorts. And I have NO idea whats going on with the IRS that has everyone up in arms. But I won't feel guilty about any of that anymore because I built my girls a ladybug roller coaster in the backyard. I filled a 6'x10' inflatable pool inside the trampoline. I hang rope swings and take sidewalk chalk requests. I have a snack pantry that would leave any kid glassy-eyed. My girls have more books than fit on the shelves and they can recite almost all of them with their eyes closed. My girls have never gone without a hug when it was needed or simply just wanted. Most importantly, my girls know that if I say I'll be there, I will be there. My physical health has made that last one tricky at times, but seeing their eyes light up when they realize I've come is motivation enough. They aren't ashamed of the bags under my eyes or my occasional less than trendy appearance. My girls have taught me more about living and being happy than I'll ever be able to teach them. My girls come from love and they take that with them where ever they go. There are going to be lots of 'moments' coming up where I'll wish the girls were with me to enjoy them. But, I can't stop them from growing and moving on in life. I, as the adult, will make the adjustments. I will meet them on their new levels. We will continue to have our moments together walking to and from school. And maybe with my new free time, I'll get the laundry done. But, probably not.