Follow Up

So, this morning, in preparation for the much anticipated beginning of the fencing in process, I headed out to the backyard to finish (yep. didn't get it all done in one shot) the poop pick up. As I launched into my task with a goal of completion in mind, ever so confidently, I learned a few lessons I'd like to share with you.

Lesson 1. Its all about getting in "The Zone". Head down, focus on the pile you are currently chiseling out of the frozen ground. When your eyes trail from the current pile to one of the many, many, *sigh* many remaining piles you've yet to tackle, overwhelmed is the last of what you'll feel. You must develop a poop pickup tunnel vision. I'm certain Darwin mentioned this somewhere.

Lesson 2. You don't need help. I'll clarify. You don't need help in the way of a 1 year old yellow lab named Murphy. Here's why. To get the frozen poop dislodged from the frozen ground, you'll need to wedge the scooper under the tip of the frozen poop pile. Next, elevate the scooper and using your worst judgement ever, kick the scooper with your boot. What this will do is loosen the frozen pile from the ground keeping some of it attached by mere strands of grass while simultaneously sending delicious frozen poop nuggets straight toward your waiting assailant. He will love this part, you won't. Now, using the same boot you kicked the scooper with and also managed to find the only fresh pile of poop in the yard with nudge your helper firmly enough to smear fresh poop into his soft, yellow fur but gently enough to not move him at all. This is an effort to move him away from the poop nugget on the ground; forget the one in his mouth. Lost cause. No kisses. You'll notice we've achieved nothing but the poop smear. Lets move on.

Lesson 3. We've mastered the poop smear, now lets entertain the neighbors. The next thing we'll learn is how to send the frozen poop snack flying AWAY from your helper. First, you'll need to make certain the tie down reaches just far enough that in an effort to get to the frozen turd your helper will take out your knees from behind. Where you knew he was. But didn't. The important thing to focus on here is that you bend your ankles at the right angle such that the poop that spills out of the scooper spills into your wide open, untied boots. Don't worry. This is much easier than it sounds. You're going to feel like screaming. You are also going to feel like reaching down with your frozen, ungloved hand and giving the nylon coated steel tie down cable a hearty yank. But, before you do that try to remember that the nylon broke in the freezing cold and now there's a jagged edge right where you're grabbing. And what is that on the, oh. poop. its poop. There's poop on jagged edge you've now driven into the palm of your hand. This is a good time to set the scooper down like you're in control. Don't worry, the poop won't spill. Its mostly in your boots, remember? You're going to want to tend to the searing, now actively infected wound on your hand. But, you aren't going inside without your helper and you need to get that poop in his fur cleaned up. Remember the nudge? Now that you've set the scooper down and are trudging toward the house, you've given the clear universal sign that its time to play. Oh! Its a race! He's going to beat you to the door! Bad news, you lost the race. Good news, he wiped most of the poop from his fur onto your pants! One step done. And now, OH! ITS A GAME! He's got your coat! He's got your coat! He's got your coat in his poop mouth! Your helper is now ready for a nap and you? Well, thank God for wine.

Lesson 4. Sometimes poop pickup tunnel vision does jack shit.