Back and Down

Today, I feel removed, isolated, alone. My heart hurts. I feel like I'm observing everything without actually being there. This is an especially sad experience when you have the morning to just be with your 4 year old who is naturally bouncy and smiley all the time. I don't understand this feeling, which makes it even more upsetting. There really isn't anything in the past 24 or 48 or 72 hours that would have caused this. There isn't anything coming up that would cause it either. In fact, we drive to Dickinson on Saturday to bring our newest member of the family home. When doesn't the thought of a puppy make you smile?

Normally when I feel like this, I would tell Jeff. He and I call this being "ok", feeling blah, or, my personal go-to "the bottom dropping out". That's the best way to describe it. Everything is great, then the bottom drops out. No warning. But, I've been able to realize a dream in the past few months. I have spent time, quality time, with my brother. We've never completely, totally lost our connection, but we've both strayed. In the past few months, we've had eye-opening conversations wherein we both revealed things the other didn't know or understand fully. And I feel close to him again.

So, I sent him a text. A short, simple text. He replied in a way that doesn't fix the problem but reminds me that there is as much an end to this feeling as there is a beginning. It is near impossible to see that where I am, but I know he 'gets' this feeling and to a degree, that's all the help I need. Knowing there is no judgement, just someone who gets it.

So, today feels bleak. But, tomorrow will be better. Not sure why I'm making this my first blog post in months, but not everything can be funny or clever. Sometimes it has to be real, too.

Maybe it took this moment of 'blah' to realize my relationship with my brother isn't. Whatever, I love him and I'm thankful he's mine.