Perspective

The day after my "woh is me" moment (-filled day), I was given a dose of perspective and then full on inoculation.

The filter on our fish tank quit. We only have 4 guppies and one snail, but it is a 5 gallon aquarium, so the gunk builds up pretty steadily. When the filter quit, it got pretty gross pretty fast. So, I finally had time to clean it and by then the previously white rocks were now brownish, slimy, green. The inside of the tank walls was slimy, too. And stinky. Really stinky. Because we refuse to invest thousands of dollars in an aquarium set that will likely not last the year, we bought one of those cheap, hand-siphon rock cleaners. I was sucking out the slimy, chunky water and siphoned some right onto my bare foot. I can only imagine what sorts of 'critters' were living in that water and after spilling it on my foot, I didn't want to know. But, I was in the middle of the job. The aquarium was minus about 80% of its water and the fish were looking panicky. So, I decided instead of screaming to the bathroom to scald my foot, I would push through and finish the job. I had JUST finished when Phia came out of the downstairs bathroom and said, "Mama, there is a lot of water in the potty." Kind of like when you KNOW you're going to throw up, I KNEW this was not a case of my 4 year old over-exaggerating. So, I ran to the bathroom just in time to see the toilet backing up and sending poo infested water flowing onto my bathroom floor. I mean, I could SEE the poo. I ran upstairs and got the plunger, took the stairs about 9 at a time on the way back down, turned the corner into the bathroom, and had the craziest moment of reality. I have always wondered "what would I do if the toilet actually overflowed??". Now I know. First of all, I would step into the poo water barefoot. Then I would stab at the toilet with the plunger in a way that would cause such a tidal wave of poo water that it would actually go UP my long sleeves. This plunger was less plunger and more water displacer. I haven't had a lot of experience with plungers, but this one was particularly resistant to helping. I should also add that I didn't know you could turn the water off on the toilet. So, I had that going for me also. After assaulting the toilet with the plunger for what seemed like a good amount of time to have been doing damn near anything else, the toilet relented and the flow of poo water ceased. The damage was done though. I had thrown several rugs down to stop the water from making its way to the carpeted hallway. I had a bathroom full of poop and water and rugs. I stood there with my bottle of bleach like I had a plan. I'm going to spare you most of the details, except this one: I had to get BEHIND the toilet and use a q-tip to get the poo out of the tight spots. This was immersion therapy for me. I encountered everything that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I cleaned the bathroom so thoroughly, our entire house smelled like a public pool.

In the end, the perspective I gained was why have a bad day for no reason when tomorrow you will be provided with a perfectly valid reason to feel homicidal. But, to be honest, I laughed through most of the experience. It was that bad.

Today, however, is good. There is a puppy (who wags his tail in his sleep) snuggled up next to me, Ava has developed a love for making coffee and serving it to me, and my kitchen renovation is nearing its end.

I hope you are having a poo water free, waggy tail dream kind of day too.

Back and Down

Today, I feel removed, isolated, alone. My heart hurts. I feel like I'm observing everything without actually being there. This is an especially sad experience when you have the morning to just be with your 4 year old who is naturally bouncy and smiley all the time. I don't understand this feeling, which makes it even more upsetting. There really isn't anything in the past 24 or 48 or 72 hours that would have caused this. There isn't anything coming up that would cause it either. In fact, we drive to Dickinson on Saturday to bring our newest member of the family home. When doesn't the thought of a puppy make you smile?

Normally when I feel like this, I would tell Jeff. He and I call this being "ok", feeling blah, or, my personal go-to "the bottom dropping out". That's the best way to describe it. Everything is great, then the bottom drops out. No warning. But, I've been able to realize a dream in the past few months. I have spent time, quality time, with my brother. We've never completely, totally lost our connection, but we've both strayed. In the past few months, we've had eye-opening conversations wherein we both revealed things the other didn't know or understand fully. And I feel close to him again.

So, I sent him a text. A short, simple text. He replied in a way that doesn't fix the problem but reminds me that there is as much an end to this feeling as there is a beginning. It is near impossible to see that where I am, but I know he 'gets' this feeling and to a degree, that's all the help I need. Knowing there is no judgement, just someone who gets it.

So, today feels bleak. But, tomorrow will be better. Not sure why I'm making this my first blog post in months, but not everything can be funny or clever. Sometimes it has to be real, too.

Maybe it took this moment of 'blah' to realize my relationship with my brother isn't. Whatever, I love him and I'm thankful he's mine.