Taking a Look Back

5 years, 3 months, and 1 day ago, my Ava Lili made my world brighter, happier, more complex, more rewarding, and more exciting than I ever thought possible. In 2 days, she will be a full on honest to God kindergartner. The space in between these two major life changes could not possibly be enough. She's still my baby. But, she's my baby who helps her little sister with everything; my baby who is intelligent, well spoken, kind, and has wit 100X the average adult. She is beautiful and she is wise. And yet, I still worry that she won't ask for help. I worry she will lose that unbelievable spark of charisma and personality only she can carry. I worry that she will fall victim to the kind of kids who are intimidated by all of the above. But, if I know anything about Ava, I know that where she is kind, she is also strong-willed; and where she is happy in the company of as many friends as possible, she is also independent. I've spent 5 years worrying that I didn't teach her this or that, or worrying that when other kids were doing one thing, she was doing another. I've compared her to other kids and found what some might consider short-comings and what some might consider bold successes. But, recently, I stepped back and I watched her more closely. I watched her just being her on her favorite yellow swing doing things that would terrify me, things that require more balance, agility, and skill than I will ever know. And I saw her as a child who is as in touch with herself and her surroundings as possible. Her beautiful, dark hair trailing behind her, her face turned up toward the sun, eyes shut, smile giving hint to her internal bliss. She is remarkable. She is mine. My mom asked me if Ava's kindergarten teacher knows and appreciates that she gets to look into the eyes of one of God's greatest gifts; I can't possibly imagine how she wouldn't notice.

So, with pride and a really, exceptionally heavy heart, I send my baby off to kindergarten. Every new era starts somewhere and my little girl is headed toward great things, even if "all" she ever is is my baby.

I love you Ava Lili!!!

Cool Mom? HELL YEAH! Smart Mom? Umm...

I was mowing the lawn and doing my very best to think about none of the things I should think about; none of the things that have been polluting my mind these past couple days. It is a beautiful Friday, my girls are getting along and playing nicely, the dogs haven't had one senior moment, and the cat used her litter box. Really, this day is pretty great. I'm sitting on the deck now in the shade with a perfect breeze watching the girls enjoy my least thought through moment to date (and eating fresh from the vine tomatoes). At this time, I'm not prepared to answer any "how" questions, but, I put the girls 10'x6' inflatable pool into the 15' trampoline. My hands are still shaking, but I prevailed and my kiddos are now enjoying their very own backyard water park. Pretty great.

The Calm AFTER the Storm

Well, it is Thursday night. The girls are asleep. I ate a whole grain english muffin with butter and marmalade. My Lorazepam helped me settle. Tomorrow is Friday and I will greet it with optimism and nonchalance. Optimism because I survived Thursday. Nonchalance because you never show your enemy fear. My bed is comfortable, the windows are open, the breeze is refreshing, and Jeff envelopes me in a way that makes everything outside of us obsolete. I am safe there and loved and, really, that's probably all I need. Oh, and we sold our car today so that is pretty splendid also.

Nighty night friends. Sleep well. I am especially thankful for you all tonight.

Ang

180 Degrees anyone?

Here are some things that make me feel pretty A-O-K again:

1. You, my friends, who sent me messages that remind me that though not everyone understands my issues there sure as hell are people out there who are willing to listen to me cry about nothing and everything all at once. It is heartwarming knowing I have friends like you because on the bleakest days its tough to sort it out. Thanks guys. I will always be here to return the favor.

2. Watching my girls play in the sandbox, totally and completely naked.

3. Finding an ENORMOUS garden spider web on the side of our grill. I figured it was big, but when we threw the unfortunate caught bug into the web, the spider that appeared with stunning speed was giant. I'm still a nature/science geek and this was a pick-me-up Mother Nature hand delivered. SO cool. I feel a little bad about the bug, but if it didn't want to be caught it should've stayed out of damn pool.

4. Lasagna from Whole Foods. I don't currently have any on my person, but its nice to think about.

5. The tomatoes Jeff and the girls grew in our backyard. Seriously better than any others I've ever had.

6. Just for the record, I am NOT bipolar. I know the previous blog followed by this one could point toward such an affliction, but no. I'm just your regular, ol' garden variety crazy person.

So, there it is. And just to keep things interesting I'm now starting to have an anxiety attack. Whoever I was in the previous life must have been bad bad bad. I've got to go medicate.

WARNING - Whiney Pouty Sniveling Pathetic Blog

Jesus. Whoever said a good cry would make a person feel better was lying through their teeth. I am getting buried in the negative emotions I'm heaping upon myself. I sit here and think if I could just call someone and cry I would be ok. But I'm pretty sure that's not the case. I would just hang up and feel stupid for unloading on someone who, I'm sure, has their own life struggles and wasn't looking to take on another person's. I would also rehash the whole conversation and assume that I had just scared away another friend - it's happened before. That sucks. You open yourself up and people get scared of you or something and just never come back. That isn't helpful. The girls are in quiet time. I'm going to use this time to stare at my ceiling through my incredibly blurred and skewed vision.

Happy day.

Just gotta get past this one. One day at a time and this one only has 9 hours and 43 minutes left. Not that I'm counting...

Welcome Back. We saved your seat for you.

It's been a while. Let's recap:

Figure out anorexia will kill me - CHECK

Spin wheels for years getting nowhere in the mental health dept - CHECK

Have epiphany, hit stride, begin gaining ground in life-saving progress - CHECK

Gain weight, maintain weight - CHECK

Get to hear therapist use words "really impressive progress" - CHECK

Relapse and throw it all into the Goddamn wind - CHECK

Anyone else have one of those days? Yeah, they're fun, aren't they?

I met, head on, several of my biggest fears and eating disordered triggers over the past few months. I spent 16 days back home in ND where my family accepted me eating disordered or not. By the time I got back there I already had several accolades in the recovery department to my name. While back there, I buckled down even more so and didn't back away from one terrifying challenge that previously would have been a no-brainer situation before. Before I achieved the level of health I busted my ass to get to, any one of the seemingly simple situations would have sent me reeling and I would have lost 5 pounds easily. But, for the first time in my life, the sick voice in my head was getting quieter and the healthy, confident voice was loud and clear. I did awesome. I was proud of myself. I had nothing to hide and it felt liberating.

Well, I got cocky. I decided one Sunday that going for a run would be nice even though my therapist and I had discussed my struggle with over-exercising and decided I was not to go running until I had a few more months of health under my belt. I threw caution to the wind along with his friends progress and thinking-it-through. I started having chest pains during the run. I pushed and pushed and pushed to get past them. My ankle felt like it was breaking. I pushed to get past that too. Jeff paced me as much as he possibly could. I think it's entirely likely that he is the only reason no one had to call 911. The next day, I threw the girls in the double stroller and headed out again, with no one to pace me. And in those two decisions, I let the evil, sick voice out of it's sound proof, hidden cell and gave it a nice loud voice. So, now I have to dig deeper than ever and pull out what feels to be a minor miracle.

I had an appointment with my therapist today. She has termed what happened as a relapse. Do you know how much that sucks? She told me that the battle I'm in now will likely be harder than any other. It feels insurmountable. It feels like every second of every day is consumed in trying to do the right thing; to continue eating and do my damnedest not to hate myself for it. While getting Ava ready for kindergarten, Phia ready for preschool, and the 9 million other things I tackle everyday. I'm not saying my life is harder than any other person's, but at the end of my day I pray for a coma. I'm exhausted. I'm disheartened. I feel crushed under the weight of this horrific disease. I don't want to live this way forever. Jan asked me if I knew that if I keep pushing through this really shitty setback, that in time I'll be back on top. It was not that long ago that I knew what that awesome, successful feeling felt like; but now? I can't imagine the voice in my head going away, I can't imagine not feeling like every step every day is being done waist deep in mud with 1000 pound weights on my shoulders.

But, I'll keep pushing because I can see the change my progress has had on my girls. I will keep pushing because I will do whatever it takes for them to not have this disease affecting their everything. I will keep pushing because it is what I've taught myself to do. And I want to be proud of me again.

"Its ok to look back, but don't stare." Quote I saw on ANAD - Natl Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders.

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