Ain't Life Grand???

It's been a while, I know. And I know because I keep checking back to see if someone has written a witty and insightful blog in my place since I'm nearly positive my brain is melting.

I have been up to my hip pockets in birthday jazz for a while now. In approximately 16 hours, Ava will have been on this earth for a full 5 years. Does that seem impossible to anyone else??? I swear it was just yesterday that I was wiping her brand new baby poop off my face at a lunch party with women I'd hoped would become my new best friends. Not so much. I was just happy in the end to escape with my child, myself, and maybe 1% of my pride. But, you know, getting your own baby's poop on your own face and mistaking it for the mustard on your sandwich is immediately rendered insignificant when she makes eye contact with you for even just a split second while you buckle her in her car seat. Every time she looked at me, I felt like my heart would burst.

Ava is my trail blazer. She has taken my world and myself in directions I couldn't possibly have predicted. The last 5 years with her have taught me an incredible amount about everything life has to offer. She is a funny, kind, intelligent girl. I feel so honored to call her my daughter and when people give me compliments on her, it's really all I can do to smile usually. She is an awesome little person. At this time 5 years ago, I went into labor and the mixed bag of emotions that came with that was unreal. I was out of my mind excited to meet her, to know if she was a she or a he, to see her and touch her and hold her. But, I was also feeling a bit of sadness knowing that my one on one time with her was soon to end. From her birth on, I would have to share her with the rest of the world. Of course, the second I saw her I was 100% thankful that she was finally, actually, safely in my arms. These days, she's a busy girl, so long lasting hugs are hard to come by; as my dad says, "legs that short have to move fast to cover that much ground". I'm thankful for her everyday and I love her more everyday.

And, at the same time that we celebrate her birth, we remember a little more privately that there is another soul in this world whose life is no less valuable. Ava was a twin. When the ultrasound technician told us at 6 weeks that I was carrying one single baby, I knew she was wrong. No matter how crazy it made me seem, I kept telling Jeff that there were two babies. A few weeks later we went back for another ultrasound and the second she turned the ultrasound machine on, clear as day, there were my two babies side by side. Perfect little shadows of each other. Unfortunately, I had to learn to celebrate life and grieve loss at the same time. I'm still not very good at it, but I can see deep enough into Ava's soul to know we never really lost our other baby. And Ava will never ever be truly alone. I am one lucky Mama.

So, here's to five awesome years of life and five years of burgeoning faith.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran"

Bliss

I am vacationing in a corona commercial. I’m not referring to the alcohol, because while there is that and plenty of people are drinking plenty of alcohol, that is not the cornerstone of our vacation. I will admit straight up that I was concerned what kind of vacation could be had in Mexico. Now, that is due purely to a cultural, geographical ignorance on my part. I haven’t heard a lot of great things about Mexico in the news lately, though, CNN is hardly the place to broadcast news they can’t sensationalize. Mexico is beautiful. Our resort upgraded us from the most basic room to their most expensive, decked out, ammenities you can’t even imagine Emerald Room. We are ocean front. We have our own patio and our own private beach. The sand is like walking on powder. The weather is hot and sunny, but the wind is comforting. And the ocean never ceases to amaze me. It makes your brain think in ways it hasn’t been trained to do. I’m sure there are people here who think I am a total nerd because I can’t take two steps without dropping to my knees and checking out a shell. But, here’s the kicker, I don’t care. There are so many people walking around here totally oblivious to the natural beauty. I can’t imagine that. I have to wonder how many of the shells and rocks that the ocean shuttles onto the beach are older than me. The waves wash the sand right out from under your feet, and just as you feel you are going to get pulled out with that sand, the next wave comes in and steadies you. There is most certainly something hypnotic about it. Right now, I’m watching the ocean and pondering all kinds of things.

But here is something pretty great I learned about myself, the closer I get to the equator, the less anorexic I get. Jeff wants to move here. It is like living life through someone else’s mind. I’m eating what I want and I don’t feel even remotely guilty or bad about it. I just keep looking forward to the next meal. Who would have thought that I would go on vacation on a beach and be less self-conscious than when I am in my regular world. Unless you yourself have an eating disorder, you can’t possibly imagine what this feels like. I feel like a human being who does in fact deserve this break. I miss my girls unbelievably and I can’t wait to hug them again. But, that is in one area of my brain. I am so grateful to my amazing, wonderful husband that he pushed for this vacation. I honestly felt during most of the planning that this was more for him. He has always known my soul just a little better than me. And being here, my face hurts from smiling, we get to listen to each other 100% and not worry about the slap fight that’s starting in the playroom.

This place is miraculous.

I hope you are all feeling as zen as I am.

Ang

Blogging Down To You...

Well, I got on the plane without use of a horse tranquilizer. That could be because I was up with the girls for most of the night and Jeff "woke" me at 3:00am. I had conversations I didn't realize I was part of. At our connecting airport, I said to Jeff, "Hey, don't think the worst when I ask you this, but, do you have my passport?" Now, I think Jeff will agree that usually I am the one who keeps us together and moving in a semi-forward motion. I'm the one who remembers names and sometimes even birth dates of his co-worker's spouses. But, this morning, I was most definitely the handicap on board. I think the best case scenario here is that we get to the resort, I drag my nearly lifeless body to the beach, collapse in the sand and stay there until someone calls the paramedics. My plan was to tan a bit before hitting the beach 6 inches from the equator. But, real life prevailed and didn't do anything even in the remote direction of a pedicure until last night. Just after I finished sobbing while the rest of the family tried to watch The Princess and the Frog. I stopped crying and thought, "Christ's sakes I'm stressed out! If I accomplish something on my list of to-do's (remember that?) I'll feel better." So, yes, I moved 'pedicure' from the bottom of my 'have someone else do it' list to the top of my 'what is most pressing right now' list. But they look pretty. Whenever I've painted the girls' nails I know it looks like their mom has epilepsy. Of course, that isn't as much a problem of shaky hands at it is small feet that never stop moving. Wow, train of thought derailed.

...

So, yes. I am currently on the plane. I just paid $10 for about 15 minutes of internet time because my book is all of a sudden boring and Jeff and I aren't sitting together. Yep, Laura, you were right. Not so many swingin' singles on the plane to Cancun who are up for trading seats. But, it's actually been fine. Take off was, well, let's not get into specifics. What's done is done. Now we just need to get this plane on the ground. I say 'we' because I'm pretty sure the pilot is going to request my presence in the cockpit (Gina, keep it clean). I have seen Bee Movie several times and I paid close attention to the part where they land the plane specifically. How hard can it be?

Hey, something interesting just occurred to me. When I look out my window, below me I see blue skies with puffy cotton ball looking cloud bursts. This is the view I get from the ground, when I'm looking up. So, I feel a little bit like I should be able to look up now and see, I don't know, maybe an end to color? We are up that high. We are above the blue skies. Did ELO do a song about that?

I think we're supposed to land soon. So, I'm going to wrap this up. I hope soon to be praising myself for wearing flipflops as opposed to chastising myself for it very soon. It was nippy this morning.

Ooo, pilot needs me. Gotta go!!

Countdown to Meltdown

Captain's log: Star date 051010

Spock is behaving strangely. He cries easily. The sound of other space stations flying overhead nauseates him. He complains of nightmares where he has no understanding of phones; he is unable to use them, no one will help him; when he finally figures them out, no one answers the phone. He also seems to be fixated on finding an actual legally-worded 'this person has permission to make medical decisions for my dog' form.

Holy balls people. We are counting down. I will be on a plane in HOURS. And that plane will leave the ground. I am freaking out. Weird dreams at night, panicky, anxious, easily overwhelmed. I think I'll be ok once we have checked into our room. I say "I think" I'll be ok because after checking into our hotel, the flying fear will dissipate, but the realization that I won't get to hug, kiss, or smell my kidlets for 5 days will set in.

This vacation is going to be awesome. And I will be a better parent for it. Jeff and I deserve this break, and we desperately need it. But, I am going to need to resurrect my meditation and relaxation practices from labor and delivery because I may well need them. Realistically, so will the people spending their vacations around me.

Deep breathing. Or, really, just any breathing, beggars can't be choosers.

I'll do my best to blog about our adventures (which currently include snorkeling in underwater caves, exploring Mayan ruins, swimming with sea turtles, and hopefully a 2500' zip line experience followed by a cliff dive and canoe adventure).

So, that's that. The grandmas fly in tomorrow and I have half the City of Madison on high alert for signs of things going awry while we're gone.

Until next time, adios!!

Mother's Day

My Mother's Day would be incomplete without a little blogging. So, here are a few thoughts. Today on my day to do as I please, I slept in, was served pancakes and strawberries with whipped cream for breakfast, I read news articles I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing about, I organized the bathroom closet, played with the beads with Ava, went to Target hoping to find biodegradable sunscreen, and browsed all kinds of books at Borders. Now, Jeff is making curry for dinner (honest to God, the best you'll ever have) and I'm having a little alone time.

I remember reading a mother's day article years ago and the author was talking about how she would rather spend her mother's day sitting back and just watching her family 'happen' instead of being alone to do her own thing. Today, that really resonated with me. It may be mother's day, but I spent more of my time today feeling honored that I get to call Ava and Sophia my daughters than I spent feeling that the day should be all about me. These little girls are just incredible. And, they are both miracles in their very own ways. There was a period of time in Ava's second trimester of pregnancy when all signs pointed toward miscarriage and the doctor at the ER was unable to find a heartbeat. During her actual labor and delivery, her body just couldn't handle the stress of labor. She was born dark purple, not crying, not breathing. I don't remember any of this, Jeff told me sometime after her birth. There were tense moments when her life seemed to be hanging in the balance. But, no. This little girl of mine clung tight and showed us all a mere glimpse of the fighter she undoubtedly was. There were more than a few OBs and pediatricians who stopped by to see her and what was most commonly said was how beautiful she was; that she did not look like a newborn. I'm partial, sure, but they were right. She was strikingly beautiful. Before she was 3 weeks old, she was described as "exotic". And today, her smile brightens the room, her spirit is indomitable, and her eyes are those of an old soul. She is named after her great grandma, a grandma I never met but when seen through the eyes of my dad was nothing short of astonishing; strong, beautiful, intelligent, and feisty. That's my Ava Lili. In Sophia's case, the fact she survived her entire pregnancy is shocking. I was so ill I had to have a PICC line placed (go ahead, google it). I was hospitalized numerous times, had home health coming in to take care of my line and medication supply, and started preterm labor just before 30 weeks. I also passed a kidney stone measured at "at least" 1 full centimeter at 6 months. There were no safe options to remove the stone and I refused pain meds just based on what this tiny baby had already been subjected to. The stress on both of our bodies was immeasurable. We found out we were having a baby girl as soon as possible because I needed something to cling to; something to think about and know that in the end, it would all be worth it. Sophia's labor and delivery were fast, intense, and terrifying. But when she was born, I couldn't have listed one negative thing about her pregnancy. She taught me a very valuable lesson in perseverance. And when she slept, from day one, she looked like a china doll. Today, she is the instigator, the fire-starter. She throws caution to the wind and puts Ava's life and limbs in the line of fire. She's no fool and she will not walk in any one's shadow. She is also sweet beyond belief and loves to snuggle. She is endlessly amazed by rubber gloves and will bounce all alone on the trampoline for hours on end if we let her.

So today, especially, being a mom is awesome, but not because of the recognition, because of the the perfect little people who made me a mom.

And about my own mom I want to say this; I love her, I am proud of her, I admire her and can think of no greater compliment than "wow, you remind me of your mom". She is funny, smart, beautiful and classy, she makes you feel like the only person in the room no matter who you are or how long she has known you. When I'm sick, I still call her and wish she was here to take care of me. But most importantly, what amazes me most about my mom is that as an adult myself, I had the privilege of watching her really, truly come into her own. She took some excruciating life lessons, grabbed onto her boot straps, and dug in. To see the transformation she dedicated herself to is awe-inspiring. She went from being the beautiful woman we could all see but she could not, to being that beautiful woman consciously and loving herself for it. There is honestly no greater gift a mom could give her kids.

I hope you've all had an awesome mother's day. Joy and Jill, congratulations on your first mother's day. You are incredible women and this world is a better place by you bringing new people into it and raising them to be just as extraordinary as their mamas. I love you!!

Mini Blog

I've had lots of questions about where I came up with "Pootenblagen". So, here's the story. It's longish, so I'm abridging for the sake of the mountain of laundry I should be folding but am not...

Part 1 - When I was in elementary school, my brother gave me the nickname Pooter. And it stuck in a major way. My dad usually only calls me Poots, my soccer jersey in high school said PL, which was an abbreviation for Pooter Louise - a variation on Pooter that my dad came up with, my nickname is used far more frequently than my real name.

Part 2 - My family is German. We are by no means a German-speaking family, but have several favorite German terms we use. One of which is, guten-tag(en), which essentially means good day, hello, it's just a pleasant greeting in German.

Part 3 - So, Guten-tagen (pronounced goo ten toggin) = Pootenblagen (pronounced poo ten bloggin)

Ta-da!

Queen of My Own Procrasti-Nation

We leave for Mexico in a week and the list of things I've yet to even add to my already neglected list of things to do is astonishing. What makes my to do list freakish is my insatiable need to make everything 100% more complicated and stressful. Anxiety is the fuel that powers my inner hamster. If I could harness the energy produced by my crazy little hamster sprinting for hours on end in his crazy little wheel, I could power a large metropolitan area. However, I choose to use my energy to create stress. I was going to give a few examples of my grand plan, but decided I don't need the additional list-making stress. Suffice it to say the kinds of things that bog me down are making sure the rolling laundry supply cart in the laundry room doesn't have fuzz on it. Our laundry room will probably never be mistaken for a surgical suite. Kind of dark, kind of moist, unfinished bug haven. And I'm concerned about the fuzz on the laundry cart. What's more is that my mother in law and my own mom are the ones coming to stay with the girls while I'm gone. And I'm concerned about the fuzz on the laundry cart. But, the flip side to that is that I'm not in any way concerned about the safety or happiness of my children while I'm away. I can't imagine the girls having anymore fun than they will with their grandmas. My concern lies more with the grandmas than anyone. These girls of mine are something else and if you don't get out of bed bringing your A game, they will take you down. So, I'm hoping the grandmas hit the coffee and they hit it hard; our day doesn't stop around here until the girls are wrestled into jammies and subdued with a good book.

Where was I going with all this?

Oh, right. My 'anxiety-driven, professionally-neglected admitting I'm leaving my girls for a week' list. If that was my biggest concern, I would consider myself ahead of the game. But, no, it isn't that simple. Here's my BIG one: I'm afraid of flying. I haven't always been, and I've flown a lot. I had one negative experience flying home from Japan when I was 14. We were flying over the Pacific Ocean, no immediate landing options, and we hit turbulence. Not the "weeeeee!!" bouncy-bouncy fun kind of turbulence. The kind of turbulence that makes good Catholic nuns swear and tough guys sweat buckets; I'm assuming here because I am neither a nun nor a tough guy. I was, however, on that plane and terrified out of my mind. The wings of the plane were going in opposite directions of the body of the plane, the overhead bins were opening and luggage was falling out of them, the flight attendants were buckled in their seats and clearly not cool with the situation. Some moron stood up to close the bin above him and the flight attendants screamed at him. They actually screamed at him to sit down and put his seat belt back on. The oxygen masks dropped down and the tops of my legs hurt from the seatbelt jerking against me as we would all of a sudden lose all kinds of altitude. By the time we were able to land, I was, well, there are really no words to describe it. I've flown countless times since then and have not had another really horrible experience (knock on wood - sorry, I feel it necessary to abide by all laws of chance here). Jeff knows about my fear and is awesome at talking me down. But, our travel agent was unable to book our seats together on our flight into Mexico. If no one will switch seats so we can sit together, the person sitting next to me is going to need their own special breed of therapist upon touchdown.

Today as we were walking out of Target, a plane flew overhead and Sophia said, "look Mama! A plane! Just like you and Papa are going to ride on. And I bet you won't even fall out the windows!" I almost threw up on myself.

I am so excited to go on an honest to God vacation with my husband, but holy (insert your favorite expletive here), getting there is going to be anything but relaxing.

Ok. I have to stop writing now. I am absolutely positive that if I keep thinking about this, the wings are going to start falling off of planes just because of my mind power. My God, why can't I be this fixated on money raining from the sky.